On The Eve Of Battle
by erinjoy29
Summary: Harry is about to leave for the final battle and is having some last minute thoughts. Set during Deathly Hallows, ignore the book's Epilogue. OneShot HPDM


I haven't written anything in a while but I was re-reading the seventh book for the billionth time and this suddenly popped into my head.

Summary: Harry is about to leave for the final battle and is having some last minute thoughts.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it… I can only dream…

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I can't sleep. The days are so dark and it feels as if nothing will ever change it. So many bad things have happened that can never be reversed… even if I do defeat Voldemort.

I look over at Ron and Hermione and they're sleeping. It seems like they don't have any worries, but I know that can't be true. Especially with what we've discovered the past few days. We know we're going to have to make our final move soon. But I know they can't be there with me at the end. It's something I have to do alone, something I have to do for them… my parents, Sirius, Dumbledore, all the others who have lost their lives so far. They will be avenged, but I won't allow Ron and Hermione or anyone else to risk their lives.

I've already made my decision. I'm leaving in the early hours of the morning; I'm going to face him alone. Now I'm just lying here, trying to decide whether or not I should write a letter explaining why I am going to do what I am about to do.

If I survive, then it won't really matter. Of course they'll be mad that I left without them, but I know it's what's best for everyone. I couldn't stand it if another person's death was to be my fault. But I feel bad. The thing is… they're not who I'm mostly worried about. I have a secret, a secret that only 2 people have ever known about. It's been eating at me for the past 2 years. That's when it all started, when I fell in love with the enemy… my male enemy. It's not really that shocking, I mean, everyone knows I'm bi-sexual, they just all think I'm in love with Ginny Weasley. She is one of the people who knows and has agreed to be my cover story while the war is still happening. Ron and Hermione know our relationship is a cover story but they don't know about my secret lover. Nobody would believe me if I told them anyway, it's just so unpredictable, not to mention unbelievable.

But for me… he's the only way I can see my future if I survive. I want to live my whole life with him, we'll have a house of our own, a few kids… everything I never got to have because Voldemort took that away from me. It'll also be all the things he never had growing up; we're the same like that. We never had anybody to love us and treat us like actual human beings. The only difference is that his parents had a choice in whether they would get to shower him with affection; mine weren't even given a chance at raising me. But I hope they're proud of me. I've always wanted to be the kind of person they would be proud to call their son.

But I'm scared. I mean, who wouldn't be if you're about to face a murderer and basically hand yourself over to him. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, the whole risking my life every year. I guess that's why the Sorting Hat put me in Gryffindor, other than the fact that I asked it to.

But there is something else I need to consider.

What if I don't survive?

What if I don't get to see everyone one last time?

What if I don't get to say goodbye to the ones I love?

What if _he_ never knows how much I love him?

We agreed never to say goodbye but now I don't even have a chance. I don't know where he is. I pray to Merlin that he's not lying out there among all the dead and lifeless bodies of my friends and classmates, just waiting to be taken inside the castle to await a proper burial. But somehow, I know he's alive out there somewhere… I can just feel it deep down inside of me. But I know that if I see him he'll know what I'm planning and he'll stop me because I can never do anything I know he won't like. We've never admitted that we are each other's weakness, just like we've never said that we loved each other. He was always told that love was showing weakness, it gave enemies something to blackmail you with. I never said it because I've never known what love is, all I know is that it's supposed to be an intense feeling of deep affection; but I guess that's what I feel. Too bad I'll most likely never get a chance to tell him.

I have to get up and start getting prepared very soon. It must be nearing half-past 3 in the morning. I'm going to leave at around 4, I hope nobody will notice so that I don't have to make up an excuse, I was never a very good liar according to my friends.

My friends…

They've been here for me since the day we met on the train, and I don't want to leave without explaining. I didn't want it to come to this but I'm going to have to write them a letter.

So, I quietly rummage around in someone's backpack and find some parchment and a quill and I sit back down to write…

_Dear Ron and Hermione,_

_I'm sorry you have to read this in a letter, but it's the only way. Please don't be too angry, but I can't have you following me anyway and risking your lives for me this time around._

_When you're reading this I'll be gone. In case you haven't figured it out; I've gone to face Voldemort alone and I don't know whether I'll survive or not._

_I don't want you to come after me, the reason I left in the middle of the night was to make sure you would be safe. This is something I have to do alone._

_I need you guys to do a favour for me._

_I need you to make sure Mr and Mrs Weasley know that I am grateful for everything they have ever done for me over the years I have known them._

_Tell Ginny that she's been amazing these past few years and that I'm so thankful for all her help._

_Tell all the other Weasleys that I'm so glad to have met them all and I wish them all the luck in the future._

_Thank everyone who has fought so bravely; the entire wizarding world should be forever in their debt._

_I want you to know that I'm going to miss you both so much. I will never forget all that your friendship has given me._

_Lastly, make sure the enclosed parchment is given to the correct person. Ask Ginny. She'll know who it's for the moment you tell her it was from me._

_Lots of love,_

_Harry Potter_

_P.S. If I survive, we'll just look back at this letter and have a laugh, yeah?_

I seal it. I write on the front: _To Ron and Hermione…_

I guess I have to leave now.

I get up and make sure I have my wand on me. I take the letter in my hand and place it next to Hermione's pillow. She'll see it when she wakes up.

I take one last look around at everyone trying to get some sleep. I turn around and walk out of the castle.

I dodge Neville, I don't think he was suspicious, and I continue on to face my destiny.

And as I look Voldemort in the eye, one last thing passes through my mind… _I'll always love you Draco Malfoy, with all my heart… _

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I hope you enjoyed it…

In case you were wondering, the enclosed parchment was for Draco and it basically confessed Harry's love for him in case he doesn't survive and can't tell him in person.

Feel free to leave a review, I always love to read them…


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